There comes a time in every young adult's life where they feel the need to change the world. We experience the parties, the romances, the friendships, and all of the landmarks of adulthood. We make bad decisions, and try to fix them all on our own, which usually leads to worse decisions. We set out with empty pockets and hearts full of dreams, hoping to leave our handprints in the cement of society. Unfortunately, youth does not often aid to wisdom or experience, and these handprints often end up being nothing more than lines in the sand, washed away by the tide. Of course, there's always an exception, always someone who stands above the crowd, someone who turns everyone's head, and makes them think twice about everything they've accepted so far.
I strive to be this exception. I strive to pay my own road, and influence this world in some way. Not because I have a desire for fame or glory, not because I want to have my name on everyone's lips, but because I know I can. I feel like i have an entire fountain of untapped potential, and that is so disappointing to me. There is so much i feel I'm capable of, so much I feel like I owe this world, and I haven't quite figured out how to share it. I think many of my peers share this anxiety. Struggling to find an identity in this world of 6.8 billion people. Finding out what it is that sets us on fire, and putting everything into into it. I don't know what sets me on fire; I have passions, I have skills, but what makes me a standout?
When I stop and think about it, everything that makes me Tonya, is what makes me a standout. It's my skills, my passions, my friendships, my history, it's all crafted me into a life-changing individual. I can consider myself a great friend, a sharp thinker, a comic, a free spirit, and more than anything, an adventurer. Its my refusal to let anything burst my bubble or crush my dreams. I have grown into a woman who takes everything she does seriously, and doesn't give up on her goals, no matter how far away they seem at times. My heart makes me Tonya, and being Tonya makes me a standout. Being Tonya makes me influence people, in ways I can't even imagine.
I recently lost someone who influenced my life in a small, but powerful, way. Dan Stimson was a server at my favorite local coffee shop back in Sacramento. He was there every week when I would meet my girlfriend there, and he always had a kind smile and a funny story. While never being close through high school, these weekly visits gave us a special kind of bond, that I always looked forward to. He knew what I was getting before I would walk through the door, Because he was that considerate and observant of everyone he encountered. He could always make me laugh, no matter what "crisis" I was enduring at the the time. And most of all, he never let anyone feel like a stranger. There aren't many people I can say that treat everyone like an old friend, but Dan was one of those rare breeds.
We lost Dan on Saturday, 11-13-10, to suicide. Being 500 miles away, and out of touch with most of his innermost circle, I am unaware of how or why he was driven to this harsh end. But I can understand the feeling of being lost. Sometimes, this world is overwhelming. It's unpredictable, unimaginable, and sometimes, downright cruel. But what I can't understand is why he wouldn't reach out. I know it's hard to feel alone sometimes, but It's amazing to see who's there when you actually need them. It's equally amazing to see who you've influenced, who's world you've changed, even in the slightest way. I wish I had told Dan, every time I saw him, just how much those 5 minutes we spent once in a while brightened my day. I wish everyone who loved him and thought of him had told him. But more than anything, I wish Dan had loved and trusted all of his loved ones enough to let us in on his hurt and sorrow. Because everyone who's been left behind is blaming themselves. We're all wishing we had noticed, had said something, had somehow known this was coming, and done something to stop it. We're all wishing for the hurt to go away. We're all wishing we had our crazy silly hopeful friend back. And we know it can't happen, we know he's in a better place, but we want him back.
Dan, you had so many people who loved you. So many people who remembered you, thought of you, and cherished your very presence. We know you're resting happily, away from whatever torment you faced, but we're angry and hurt. You left this world, without leaving us any answers or options. You've left behind family, friends, and a girl who's going to love you till she's with you again. We all ask ourselves, what could we have done? But you're the only one who can answer that, and you aren't here anymore. All we can do is pray that you're happy in your Paradise. I hope the pain is gone, and I hope you're looking down on everyone who's surfaced, everyone who loves you.
Always missed, never forgotten
Daniel "The Man" Stimson
7-17-91 - 11-13-10
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