Dwelling. 3:03AM

The hardest thing in the world can be to forget. Possesing memory is both a beauty and a beast. I am a person who thrives on memories, to shape me into who I am. And the last thing I ever want to do is forget who I am. But dwelling on hard times, while so easy to do, is equally as difficult to avoid. Especially hard when a foreboding theme (Lonliness, Failure, Desperation, etc.) plays center stage. While, for the most part, I dwell on memories past with  sort of bittersweet fondness, there are times when Lonliness and Desperation  put their two cents in, and I am sent reeling, into an abyss where I tirelessly think about who I let down, what I should have done differently, when I should have thought twice (or stopped thinking so much), where I lost myself, why chose my path, and how I ever survived it all. Don't get me wrong, most of the time, only a strong affirmation of my life decisions comes from these obsessive tirades of memory jogs. But there are instances, no matter how few and far between, do I take these obsessive tirades to the next level. Calling up a completely unsuitable ex boyfriend, crying over the abandonment of a broken friendship, planning an escape route to a normal life.

Now, anyone who knows me on any level, or who has even read my previous posts, knows one thing for certain about me: I am not a dweller. I do not go back. I am the queen of looking into my future, which is both vividly, technicolor bright, and as shiny as a clar lake on a sunny day. but even I have bad days (see above). And I think my strong sense of purpose, and direction, in life, causes me to be a wee bit crazier  when these weak moments hit. It takes me a few extra tears, swears, or primal screams to regain the focus. But that's not the point. To say anyone is above a weak moment is to say we've become a world of plastic (which, we're well on our way, but that's a different story).  No, my point here, is to analyze what drives me to this point of near insanity.

As a person who handles change very, very well, I don't handle change very well.

Hello, contradiction, nice to meet you.

I am a person who handles change, when I am in control of it. I do very well reinventing my life, introducting new backdrops, hairstyles, relationships, etc. into the mix. I pride myself in my ability to spice up my life as I see fit, with just the right blend of sweet and savory. I can handle a new life like nobody's business, as long as it's premeditated, and as long as it as my idea to begin with. Oh, the woes of being a slight control-freak. However, what sends me into a fling backspin of agony, is when something that is just perfect, is suddenly thrown out of alignment for me. Such as someone who I've grown to love, as a confidante, partner in crime, and all-but-blood family member, being taken from me. Not in the mortal sense (no one died), but in the "I'm moving to a different country" sense. And this is something I am refusing to accept. This person is a concrete part of my life. In my special blend of herbs and spices, he is my salt. A basic, but amazingly necessary ingredient. I haven't quite figured out how I'll live my life, without him playing his integral role in it. And yes, dearest audience, I am well aware he is not dying, and I can therefore talk to him as much as I please, but it's different. A short phone convo when our schedules just happen to align is no match for meeting in the garage at 2 am for late-night chats. A quick text message about what movies we've both seen is NOTHING compared to sitting on the couch for 6 hours watching movies, before heading out to see one at the theater. A quick visit where we grab some coffee can't replace BBQing a feast for two, just for the hell of it. He has become part of my routine. A part which I enjoy very, very much. And while I can't be happier for the new direction his life is taking him, it breaks my heart just a little that I'll be missing out on it.

Ad this is the part where I wage an internal war.
Head: "It's okay, Tonya. You are young and fun and surrounded by joy and love. Things will happen for you, and they will be great!"
Heart: "But it won't be the SAME."
Head: "But that's okay, Tonya. You love your new adventures, you love welcoming new souls into your life. Look at this as a positive opportunity!"
Heart: "BUT! It won' be the SAME."
Head:  "But Tonya, you are strong, you aren't here to depend on other people for happiness, you are here to find your own hapiness!"
Heart: "Shut up head. People in general are my happiness. I love surrounding myself with joy and love, just like you said. And the best way to do that, is to love and be loved. I love myself plenty. I want to share my love wth the special people in my life."
Head: "...That can still happen, Tonya. Just think of this as a page turning in your life"

*cue emotional tailspin*


When pages turn in my life, it is a positive event. But I can't help but flip back over the pages I've passed. And sometimes, the words on those pages evoke a little instability in myself. But I think that's okay. Because I realized something big about myself tonight. I have an insight into how the reminiscing can turn to unhappiness. Reminiscing reminds me of the changes I didn't approve of, and instead of relishing how thes unexpected twists have shaped me, I get stuck think, "what would have happened if...". my change. I love playing puppetteer. Let's send Pinocchio where we want him to go, all the while knowing that I can pull this string, and bring him right back where I want him. And that's where I need to take my step back. And really, truly make the most of every new opportunity, planned or otherwise. I want to become someone who can turn each finished page with a smile on my face. There is no harm in  looking back, after all, as long as I remember to keep looking forward when I'm done.  As long as I can stay on this side of sanity whilst I do it.

I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside."
-- Rumi